Book Review - Why Men Hate Going to Church-TeSelle

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A BOOK REVIEW

Why Men Hate Going To Church
by David Murrow

Excerpts prepared by Gale TeSelle,
posted with permission from the author

December 2005

Statistics indicate that a large percentage of men are missing in action on the spiritual battlefield. Does this indicate that church methods have become less masculine or relevance? Does it indicate a change in the modern male? Perhaps it is a combination of both. The following is a revealing outline of the book contents.

Introduction

“Your system is perfectly designed to give you the results you’re getting”
- W. Edward Deming
So what is this system we call church producing?
Truth is, the modern church is not designed to do what Jesus did; reach men with the good news.

Part 1: Why Men Hate Going to Church

1. Men Have a Religion: Masculinity

“The ideology of masculinity has replaced Christianity as the true religion of men. We live in a society with a female religion and a male religion: Christianity, of various sorts, for women and non-masculine men … and masculinity for men.” -Leon Podles.
Today church does not mesmerize men, it repels them. Just 35 percent of the men in the USA say they attend church weekly. In Europe it is more like 5 percent.
Church is one of the last places men look for God.
Jesus built His church on twelve Spirit-filled men who changed the world. We must do the same: you cannot have a thriving church without a core of men who are true followers of Christ.
Don’t despair … Great things are happening in many part of the world. But we need a few gentle course corrections laid out for us.

2. Why Judy’s Husband Hates Going to Church

When Dad wasn’t around, Mom was free to set the thermostat where she liked. So it is in most churches. Men have been absent or anemic for so long that the spiritual thermostat in almost every church is now set to accommodate the people who actually show up and participate: women, children, and older folks. But men suffocate in this environment, so they leave.
So what does today’s church emphasize? Relationships: a personal relationship with Jesus and healthy relationships with others. By focusing on relationships, the local church partners with women to fulfill their deepest longing.
Few churches model men’s values: risk and reward, accomplishment, heroic sacrifice, action, and adventure.
Men always want to succeed, even at church
“A majority of unchurched men believe that participating in church life cannot be justified because the return on their investment of time, attention, and energy is too slim.” -Erickson and Schaffer.

3. Men Aren’t the only Ones Missing from Church

Who’s most likely to be in church? … women and older adults 50 and up.
Who’s least likely to be in church? … men and younger adults 18-29.
Studies show women and older adults tend to be security oriented, men and younger adults tend to be challenge oriented.
Churches tend to value “security oriented” characteristics of safety, stability, harmony, predictability, protection, comfort, nurture, duty, support, and preservation.
Men tend to value “challenge oriented” characteristics of risk, change, conflict, variety, adventure, competition, daring, pleasure, independence, and expansion.
When it is dangerous to be a Christian, men are more likely to count themselves in.

4. The Masculine Spirit and the Feminine Spirit

Church is a peculiar organization, led by males, but dominated by women and their values. Dr. Leon Podles says it well: “Modern churches are women’s clubs with a few male officers.”
Legalism makes the headlines, but velvet coffin Christianity is the real cancer in the church today.
If your vision of the church is a place of comfort, safety, and loving affirmation, realize that your vision may be keeping men away.
The answer is not the triumph of the masculine spirit over the feminine. A church must have both. A shortage of one or the other leads to abuse.

5. Adjusting the Thermostat

Here are six common settings found in today’s congregations: Challenge, confrontation, comfort, conformity, ceremony, and control.
Jesus confronted the religious, and he comforted the needy. But he challenged everyone else.
Challenge was the Master’s default setting. That is why men loved Jesus: men love to be challenged. But Jesus hated the bottom three settings – and so do men. These were the favorites of Pharisees.
Challenge is men’s love language.
Make things too comfortable for a man, and he’ll lose interest. Try to control a man, and he’ll rebel. Over-confront him, and he’ll resent you as a nag. But challenge him the way Jesus challenged the disciples and he will grow.
A church that challenges its members is a church where men can thrive.
Discipleship for men is one man sharpening another … it is a band of brothers spurring each other on toward love and good deeds. It is a model left to us by Jesus.
Today’s evangelical church has discarded the discipleship model in favor of an academic model. Instead of discipling people, we teach them.
Men are changed by what they experience, not necessarily by what they are told.

6. Men: Who Needs ‘Em?

Ministry to men is often the lowest priority
Without a masculine spirit the church turns inward. It begins to minister primarily to the family inside instead of the world out there.
Men’s pragmatism brings innovation to the church
Men bring strength to the church
Men bring money to the church
Godly men attract women
Men bring their families to the church. When a mother comes to faith in Christ, the rest of her family follows 17 percent of the time. But when a father comes to faith in Christ, the rest of the family follows 93 percent of the time.
If Christianity is to survive, we need men.

Part 2: The Gender Gaps

7. The Gap of Presence

The census of 2000 indicates there is a 13 million gap … 48, 660,177 adult women in church and 35,348,028 adult men.
Today 20 to 25 percent of America’s married, churchgoing women regularly attend without their husbands.
On average, adult members are 56 percent women and 44 percent men.
Non-denominational are least likely to report a gender gap … liberal mainline churches are the most likely to be gapped.
Smaller churches are more likely to be gender gapped then larger churches.
Men don’t follow programs; they follow men. This is why a dynamic pastor can turn a church around. Bold leadership attracts men.
There is no branch of Western Christianity that’s even close to conquering its gender gap.
The gender gap now threatens to stall explosive growth of evangelical/Pentecostal churches in Latin America.

8. The Gap of Participation

“Women are the backbone of the Christian congregation in America.” -George Barna

George Barna says women are:

100% more likely to be involved in discipleship
57% more likely to participate in adult Sunday school
56% more likely to hold a leadership position
54% more like to participate in a small group
46% more likely to disciple others
39% more likely to have a devotional time or quiet time
33% more like to volunteer for a church program
29% more likely to read the Bible
29% more likely to attend church
29% more likely to share faith with others
23% more likely to donate to a church
16% more likely to pray.
...the greatest participants in Christian culture and commerce.

9. The Gap of Personality

Most paid leaders in America’s churches today are either teachers or musicians who may have never been trained in leadership, nor do they possess a vision for leading a congregation.
A leadership crisis is hobbling the church, and a lack of bold, visionary leadership is driving men away from churches.
Men want to devote themselves to something that’s effective, not something that’s going to make them busy.
Real men do not want to be safe – they want to be dangerous.
At least three subsets of men are absent from today’s churches – risk takers, fun lovers, and dangerous men.

Part 3: Understanding Men and Masculinity

10. What Biology Teaches Us About Men

Men have more testosterone, women have more serotonin.
Testosterone makes it hard for men to sit still. Serotonin tends to calm people down.
Church battles routinely feature backstabbing, gossip mongering, and revenge. All this takes place in secret, and only church insiders know the details. Publicly, everyone grits his teeth and pretends things are just fine. Eventually one warring party leaves the church, or in extreme cases the church splits.
Men can’t handle this. There are legions of men who have given up on church because of the hypocrisy that arises when the church handles conflict in a feminine way.
Just who decided that the lecture-style sermon was the best way to teach people about Jesus?
Men find sermons boring not so much because of their content, but because of their format.

11. What the Social Sciences Teach Us About Men

Boys follow men, not religions. If your son never gets to know a man who is walking with Christ, chances are very slim he will ever walk with Christ.
When stressed, women run to community, but men isolate themselves.
Men tend to be project oriented and outdoor oriented.
Men are the warriors … they need to fight an evil one, not just evil as a concept.
Men are drawn to religions where self-sacrifice is a real possibility. If you doubt this, look what’s happening in Islam.

12. Men Seek Greatness

Not only do men want to be great, but they want to be recognized as being great.
The humility police in church make sure that greatness does not happen – at least not in church.
Men gravitate toward venues where they can achieve some measure of greatness … sports, business, hobbies, video games, gangs, love affairs. All these offer the possibility of triumph and achievement.
Most men will not fully invest themselves in anything that does not offer a shot at greatness.
The desire to be a great man is not sin; it is a virtue.
The world offers men the possibility of greatness. The world cheers for men. Too often the local church does not.

13. The Pursuit of Manhood: His Greatest Quest

Men have always done the dangerous jobs, and they still do them.
If a man fails to be brave, stoic, or self-sacrificing, he’s branded a coward. He becomes an outcast.
The masculine code is alive today, especially in time of war.
Manhood is something a man earns… one deed at a time, a task at a time, an interaction at a time.
Since men work so hard to fill their masculinity banks, they are naturally reluctant to give up their coins.
Because many men regard churchgoing as womanly behavior, it costs a fellow a few coins every time he enters the sanctuary.
They are not afraid of God, they are afraid of emasculation.
Women can be manly, but men cannot be womanly.
Is giving up one’s manhood part of the cost of following Jesus Christ? No, and no again.

Part 4: The Straws that Break Men’s Hearts

14. Men Are Afraid … Very Afraid

Men most fear engulfment, anything that threatens to rob us of our power and control.
Women most fear abandonment, isolation, and lost of love.
Modern churches seem to frighten men and comfort women.
Men fear incompetence and women outshine them at church.
Men are afraid to sing in public. Churches feature twenty, thirty, and even forty-five minutes of nonstop praise singing. Verses repeat over and over and over.
Many non-Christians fear that if they start going to church, they might have to adopt a boring, straitlaced lifestyle. They fear they will be turned into a nut or nerd.
Men fear they will have to check their minds at the door.
Single men feel targeted for marriage.
Men may fear they must become super-husbands.
Men fear homosexuality in the church.
Men are afraid of heaven. Eternal worship gets translated as eternal singing in the choir.

15. The Church Is Out Touch

The church is hopelessly out of date: Men are puzzled by its old-fashioned ways.
Men respect excellence and quality; they have little patience for mediocrity.
The number one complaint Rick Warren heard for men not going to church was … church is boring.
Services and sermons are too long.
The good news – innovative pastors are rethinking how they teach their people.

16. Check Your Manhood at the Door

Christians emphasize Christ’s feminine characteristics while ignoring his masculine ones.
Liberal churches have re-created Christ as a benevolent Teacher who is always gentle, tender, and accepting.
The truth is, the Jesus of Scripture is more General Patton than Mister Rogers.
Weakness, humility, relationships, communication, support, feelings are constantly held up as the ideal values of a Christian.
Jesus spoke constantly of the kingdom of God. Men are kingdom builders.
Terminology and music in church has been feminized … intimacy with Jesus, a love affair with Jesus, kissing the face of God, oh how beautiful …your face is all I seek.
Challenge men to walk with God and follow Jesus.
Invite men to partner with Jesus in changing the world.

Part 5: Restoring the Masculine Spirit in the Church

17. Leadership and the Masculine Spirit

In the area of leadership, our churches desperately need an infusion of the masculine spirit.
When pastors are not leading courageously, men leave. Men follow men who are leading them somewhere.
Only 5 percent of senior pastors claim to be gifted in the area of leadership.
Look for leaders in corporate America, not necessarily the seminary.
Develop great lay leaders. Support leadership development and training in your church. It’s scriptural, and it’s one of the keys to bring men back.
Men need male leadership. The fact is, women will follow a man, but few men will follow a woman unless they are forced. When women lead, men leave.
If men don’t have a vision of what God is doing in a church, they will not invest themselves.
Men are purpose driven … that is why Rick Warren’s book is so popular among men.
Men have to be productive.
In my previous church, we gathered. We worshipped. We loved each other. But we produced no crop. Our church was a contraption worthy of Rube Goldberg: lots of sound, motion, and fury to produce a tiny amount of fruit.
Sadly, in many of our churches, a big happy crowd is a crop.

18. Pastors and the Masculine Spirit

According to personality test, men entering the ordained ministry exhibit more ‘feminine’ personality characteristics then men in the population at large.
Men want a pastor who is a regular guy. A pastor who speaks openly of his struggles, failings, and challenges will win points with men.
Men like pastors who have the trappings of manhood.
Passion in the pulpit is great, but avoid anything that looks like it’s staged or performed. Men are looking for a pastor who’s real, and if your message feels like a show, they’re more like to find you hypocritical.
America’s seminaries are building an army of female pastors. I entreat you; become students of men.
Henrietta Mears was a woman who could deliver the goods. She led hundreds to faith in Jesus, including Bill Bright, the founder of Campus Crusade for Christ.

19. Teaching and the Masculine Spirit

Let men learn by hands-on experience
Let men learn through object lessons.
Let men ask questions and challenge the party line.
Men need dialogue, give-and take, a chance to argue.
Men appreciate forthrightness.
Men need challenging teaching.
Men need great stories that emphasize strength more then weakness.
Present teaching that leads people somewhere.
Use masculine imagery and language.

20. Worship and the Masculine Spirit

Men get excited about quality and about fun.
Men love friendly competition. Without friendly competition, men lose interest.
Rethink worship. Congregational singing is a relatively new phenomenon in Christianity, historically speaking.
Outreach to men – especially young men – should take place outdoors whenever possible.
If you are serious about reaching men, move as much ministry as possible out of the church building.
Most women love prayer mushrooms because closeness is comforting. But they’re a little too close for a lot of men.
Worship, prayer, even singing will come naturally to men if they are allowed to do these things in a way that feels right to their masculine hearts. Let the masculine spirit lead in worship and watch your men come alive.

21. Women and the Masculine Spirit

Women must use their influence for change, not for the status quo. Help the church focus on developing men.
Consider men’s needs when planning.
Women must allow the men to gather without women around.
Women must stop dragging their men to church.
Women must allow their husbands to instruct the family.
Women must give up their fantasies about what Christ will do for their men.

22. Ministry and the Masculine Spirit

Give men opportunities to use their skills and gifts. Help men discover their gifts.
Give men a path to walk or a ladder to climb.
Give me external focus.
Evangelist Luis Palau says, “The church is like manure. Pile it up and it stinks up the neighborhood; spread it out and it enriches the world.”
Eric Swanson studies healthy churches, and without exception they are externally focused: their goal is to make a significant and sustainable difference in the lives of people around them.
At Fellowship Bible Church, new members are placed in small groups for instruction and nurture. But after three years, they’re kicked out into a common cause group that serves the community.
Give men big projects that capture their imaginations.
Christianity based on risk avoidance will never attract men.
Give men adventure. Deploy men in servant evangelism.
Let your men make a meaningful contribution.

Part 6: Meeting Men’s Deepest Needs

23. Every Man Needs a Spiritual Father

A man’s strongest urge is to reproduce. He wants to leave a lineage and legacy.
God’s first command in the Garden was to be fruitful and multiply. Jesus’ last command in the Gospels was make disciples.
A man will never be fulfilled in church until he is reproducing spiritual sons.
Spiritual fathers are men who are walking with God and leading men by example to maturity in Christ.
The Father prepares the boys to become Fathers.
Spiritual fathering cannot be grafted onto the existing church, added like a program or class. It can’t be one more thing we cram into an already overstuffed church calendar. Spiritual fathering must become the foundation of the church.

24. Every Man Needs a Band of Brothers

You can implement every suggestion in this book, and men will still fall away if they do not find a band of brothers to run with.
Fight the Lone Ranger mentality in our churches. Spiritual individualism is killing men.
Use little platoons as the basic unit of the church rather then a desirable add-on.
Create an environment where men can form meaningful relationships.
Though men want and need relationships, they rarely use the term or think relationally.
Women form relationships face-to-face, men form relationships side-by-side.
The deepest male relationships are formed in a crucible.
You can’t just throw men together and expect them to become brothers. It takes time.
Men need a relationship with God, but they need to be shown how to have such a relationship by another man and small group of men.

25. The Second Coming of the Masculine Spirit

You don’t make a plant grow. When the conditions are right, it grows naturally. In the same way, men will grow in faith if they are given the right conditions.
It took centuries to create the Christianity gender gap; it will not be bridged in a generation.
Millions of men are encountering Jesus through small groups, perhaps we should be planting churches based on little platoons. It might be time to rethink what it means to go to church.
Guys are coming to Christ through hunting, fishing, climbing, and rafting, adventures of every kind.
We need new courses on leadership, spiritual fathering, creation of a masculine environment, and visual communication. Perhaps an entirely new kind of seminary is in order, based more on a boot camp than a classroom.
Jesus promised to make us fishers of men, but today we catch relatively few. Perhaps it’s time to drop our nets on the masculine side of the boat.